In part one of my professional boxing fantasy, I ruled out thinking about any of the unpleasant aspects of the sport (like, you know, getting hit). Without any actual punching to think about, that just leaves appearance. Yesterday, I chose my ring robe, nickname and briefly discussed my behavior at pre-fight press conferences (in true boxing tradition, it would be bad).
I saved the most important decision for last. Nothing sets a stage for a big fight like the ring walk, and since it serves as the soundtrack for the ring walk, entrance music needs to be chosen carefully. A few basic rules:
1. The music needs to have a slow but menacing start, to give the crowd time to turn and look toward the dressing room (where you can rest assured I’ll have smoke machines to herald my arrival and flag-bearing posse members to lead the way). Then, like the roll of distant thunder explodes into a storm, the song needs to take off.
2. Base works better in a big arena, which is naturally where I’d be fighting, so whenever possible, the song needs to have a ripping base line.
3. The lyrics need to get the ring-walking fighter pumped up while striking fear in the heart of his opponent. Frank Sinatra’s "My Way" is a nice song, but not for a ringwalk. It also helps to have the song timed so that a particularly menacing line will be delivered just as the fighter steps into the ring to face down his opponent.
I also eliminated several Hall of Fame worthy ringwalk songs, not because they fell short, but because they’ve worked too well. Eminem’s Lose Yourself can’t possibly be used by an elite fighter any more, because everyone down to the part-time security guard fighting in the opening bout uses that song. Guns n Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle and Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger have been similarly overplayed (often by me, while driving). Other songs have become so closely associated with one person, that using them would be considered an homage. Many of the songs haven’t even been retired by boxers. Can you listen to Black Sabbath’s Iron Man without thinking of the Road Warriors—pro rasslin’s best tag team of all time? And Depending on your sport of preference, Metallica’s Enter Sandman can only be used by the ECW wrestling character of the same name or Yankees closer Mariano Rivera.
So here, then, are my choices for ring walk songs. A few disclaimers. Many of them are old. That’s because, well, so am I. And I’m not claiming these are the best ever, just the ones I’d choose from. If I were a boxer.
10. Hard Knock Life, by Jay Z. This song is an NBA shootaround staple, but isn’t closely associated with any one team (unlike, say Sirius by the Alan Parsons Project, better known worldwide as Bulls Introductions Music). It would rank higher, except, well, the lyrics work a lot better if the fighter is African-American, which I am not.
9. It’s the End of the World (As We Know it) by REM. An hyper-intense song with machine-gun lyrics. The main problem with this one is you want to whip the crowd into a frenzy with your entrance, not have them all shout "Leonard Bernstein!"
8. Smack That by Akon (with an appearance by Eminem). While Akon is better known for drippy love songs and empty dance tunes, this one actually has teeth. Not sharp ones, but good enough to make the list. It got penalized a few spots for the brutally dumb line "Maybe go to my place & just kick it like Tai Bo"
7. Territorial Pissings by Nirvana. One of any number of Nirvana songs that could have qualified, this one, with it’s hornets nest of guitars and the mocking folk song lyrics at the start, best fits the requirements of a ringwalk song. Time it right and I’ll be facing my opponents to the line "Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you."
6. Wherever I May Roam by Metallica. Slow start with a takeoff like a jet engine. The pumping lyrics reach a crescendo as the ring walk ends with "By myself, but not alone....I ask no one"
5. Ain’t it Fun? by Guns ‘n’ Roses. Yes, I know it’s not "by" GnR. They covered an old punk song, but it’s their version I’m using. The opening guitar riff will get the crowd staring, and I’ll burst out of the dressing room the first time the line "Ain’t if fun when you know that you’re gonna die young?" is sung. Plus, all the lyrics about spitting blood in my face will come just as I make it to ringside.
4. Zombie Eaters by Faith No More. This one might start a little too slowly, but boy does it hit it’s stride! It is one of a dozen FNM songs that could have made the list. Surprise! You’re Dead! is another strong performer, though it might be a little too intense for an arena audience (yeah, because "Ain’t it Fun" is such a ballad). The lyric to try to time would be "I like to make a mess. I laugh at your distress."
3. Ain’t No Right by Jane’s Addiction. We might have to skip past the homage to sex, drugs & rock and roll that’s whispered at the beginning, but once the actual music starts, few songs could ever keep up. Bonus points for mentioning one of my nickname finalists in the line "Bad wind came, & blew down my home." And it has the strongest ring-arrival lyrics of the bunch: "I’m a battering ram, (Bleeping) took the pain. Cut myself, said ‘So what?’ (Bleeping) took the pain."
2. The Imperial March by John Williams. Better known as Darth Vader’s theme. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard this song at an arena for boxing, rasslin or MMA. I also don’t know of any baseball closer that uses it. It can’t finish first because, well, it has no lyrics. It finishes this high because, well, it doesn’t need them.
1. Who do you love? by various. I’m choosing the George Thorogood version because I’m a Lonesome George guy. Think about it..."I walked 47 miles of barbed wire. I’ve got a cobra snake for a necktie. A brand new house by the road side made of Texas rattlesnake hide. Got a brand new chimney put on top & it’s made out of a human skull." Are you getting in the ring with me? Plus, when I arrive ringside, he’s singing "hit a bump and somebody screamed, and you shoulda heard justa what I seen."
So there’s my ranked list. Let the debating begin. Or we can just settle it in the ring—best entrance wins.
